Sitting here looking at this blank space and wondering if the area behind my eyes looks like this because I can't seem to find what I want to say. Something must be in there somewhere, I just can't find it.
This is the week I'm supposed to decide on a long term goal for myself. I've been thinking about it and haven't come up with anything unless she'll accept live to be 100 and get shot by a jealous wife. I'm pretty sure she's looking for a commitment to the transformation from a state of being less than healthy to being in health.
Its a process that has to be committed to. I have commitment issues when it means giving up mashed potatoes and gravy, chocolate cake, pie and brownies, among other things. It's like my head says I want to be in health but I haven't been successful with the hard work and sacrifice part. I'm actually wondering if the company I've been keeping online might not have something to do with that.
The constant negativity from the media along with the members of my blog site and Facebook Friends is contagious. I've never really spent time thinking about whether I'm a half empty or half full kind of person. I do know I am mistrustful of people I can't see with my own eyes and I am far too cynical. And that has existed since I was a child.
When I was 11 a very damaging bit of gossip went around the adults of the neighborhood. When it got back to the family the gossip was about, I got the blame. I got called a liar and trouble and people I respected ordered me off their property and refused to allow me to play with their children who were my best neighborhood friends. Every single one of the neighbors knew who started the rumor including my Mom, and no one would tell them it wasn't me. Honestly, it was my own Dad that started it, and everyone was most interested in protecting him at my expense. It was a lesson I never forgot. I learned that you can't trust anyone, not even family. I don't think I can change that. Not with the way people are now.
The one thing I did finally figure out when I sat down to think things through was that I can't continue to allow that to color my view of myself. During the course of my meditation on the subject I realized that while I had said I forgave them, I actually hadn't forgiven my Dad. Some of my less than brilliant decisions throughout my life were made because I didn't forgive him. Now what I have to do is find that forgiveness.
I think that will be my goal because a healthy mind is necessary for a healthy life. I think my goal will be to learn to forgive my Dad so I can banish all those negative self talk thoughts that interfere with me reaching whatever goal I finally do set for myself. Being healthy feels better and I need to find the willingness to work on that.