Sunday, July 24, 2016

Been There, Done That, Probably Have A Few Scars To Prove It

There are times that I'm not a nice person and this may be one of them. Every person handles life and it's many woes differently. I get that, I do, but, when all you do is whine about it, don't look to me for comfort after the first couple of times. I'm not going to encourage that because you aren't dealing with anything I haven't dealt with.

Two of my online friends have lost their beloved husbands this month due to cancer, Boo is handling things, including her beloved's family of vultures with a sense of grace in her loss. Yes, she asks the inevitable question from time to time as any one in that position does, . How do I live without him? The answer for any of us is different, of course. For me it was I don't know but I don't have a choice. Crybaby, on the other hand is not even trying to cope.

 Crybaby is financially secure. She has no medical bills since he had better insurance. When he became ill, Crybaby had to learn how to operate the riding lawn mower and the weed whacker and she had all kinds of help to take care of things. Boo had to deal with her beloved's family trying to take things away from her except, of course, the bills. Boo has that 20% of catastrophe to pay for.

Boo would periodically express her fears but she coped on her own to get through watching him die breath by breath. Crybaby couldn't do anything at all except post on Facebook that she wanted to die. Trust me, I understand that too, and because of the 20% of catastrophe that I had to pay, I almost did.

I was working 2 full time jobs to support myself and pay the bills, only, I didn't always have enough for food. I didn't tell anyone that, I just did what I could do and lost a large amount of weight in a very short time. I wound up living in one room with a refrigerator and hot plate. I had a sofa bed, a dresser and 2 end tables. The shower was in my room right outside the bathroom door. I caught a cold in April and by June I was so weak I couldn't walk without staggering. I was working 76 hours a week and fueling my body on water, coffee from the pot at work and 1 meal a day 4 days a week.

I know what cancer is. Dick had it in his lungs, prostate and his brain. Three years of doctors, hospitals and the knowledge that I was going to be a widow. I handled it. I lived as normal a life as I could being grateful for every day we had together. Even on the days when he had seizures and I had to stay away from his flailing arms. It wasn't him, it was the cancer and I wore the bruises it caused in silence. I was scared to death when he died. Didn't know what I was going to do without him.

Not once did I say I wanted to sleep and not wake up. Not once did I pick a fight with someone and then call someone else to cry and carry on as if I was suicidal. Not once did I complain about my lot in life. I handled situations where his buddies considered me to be a lonely merry widow. I cried when the one I never expected it from tried. I lost every single friend I thought I had because I was thin, decent looking and they didn't trust their husbands. They were right not to, but they should have trusted me.

It was hard, it toughened me and for a while I think it made me bitter. Lost that bitterness when I met my husband. This coming Wednesday we will have been married 25 years. Life hasn't always been easy for us, but we managed. We have what we need and I enjoy a sense of gratitude for that every day that I wake up with him beside me.

I will not ever be someone with patience for those who won't even try to cope with life as it is. The self centered woe is me kind of person that Crybaby is makes me want to be mean and tell her to grow the hell up. I won't because I'm not quite that uncaring. I'm just not speaking to her if I can avoid it and since I know she has enough support at her beck and call, I don't need to bother with her.

Depression is a real illness and I don't wish to take that away from those who suffer with it. If someone who suffers with it isn't taking advantage of all the opportunities to help themselves through medication, counseling or whatever a medical professional is prescribing, then I am not going to enable that pity party. Stop jerking people's chains with this "I want to die" crap and look at what you're doing to those who care about you. Just leave me out of it because I'm not liking what I'm seeing you do and I won't be a party to that.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Sorry, Not Sorry

I haven't posted here in a week and I don't feel the least bit guilty. I'm spending my time with the fictional characters found in books rather than the social media kind. I've had the first four volumes of George RR Martin's "Song Of Ice And Fire" for quite awhile now and didn't seem capable of tearing myself away from the internet to read them. I don't really know why I managed it this summer, but I'm not really caring about that.

In all honesty it probably has a great deal to do with the political mess this Presidential Election Cycle has become. I'm of the opinion that reading works of fiction is a far better use of my time than supporting the current political process would be. As long as we continue to throw all our efforts into picking one person to head the country and refuse to see that who sits in the White House won't change a thing, we will get what we deserve. The President can suggest, he can request, but it's Congress that has to approve the suggestion and create the law. As long as we keep electing the all or nothing at all Congressional Politicians because that's who we have become, then we will continue to get nothing at all. All or nothing occurs in dictatorships, choose wisely.

I am normally a purist when it comes to books and movies. I either read the book and refuse to watch the movie or I see the movie and won't read the book. I don't have HBO so I actually haven't watched a single full episode. I have watched the highlights on Youtube and have read the spoilers that occur every Monday following and episode. However, once beyond Book 1 "Game of Thrones", so much is changed that doing both would be a good idea.

During the time of watching just the highlights I was a big fan of House Stark. Reading the book taught me that despite their honor and integrity, they weren't very smart about the ways of the world. They stood and fell on that honor without the faintest clue that their failure to listen to the needs and opinions of others contributed to the end of their lives. Everything for them was clearly black or white with no allowances for extenuating circumstances. Their honor drove them to be right all the time with no room for kindness.

When Ned Stark lost his head and his daughters were left to suffer, Sansa at the hands of Queen Cersei and the wholly evil Joffrey and Arya at the mercy of every bad thing she encounters in her travels,  I was shocked and angry. Now, reading the book, I see why this had to happen and am looking forward to seeing who gets their just desserts and who actually wins at the game. I suspect it will be someone with their own somewhat slippery sense of honor and integrity but sometimes when the stakes are high, those gray areas need to exist. Even life has it's moments when gray areas need to be explored.

I hope to be moved into a home on my own property before the next season debuts on HBO. I will be able to switch from the more expensive satellite internet connection to Roadrunner since Time Warner is available there. We also will be giving up our Verizon landline since there is a different and much cheaper phone company that services the area. With so much in savings I will be able to enjoy HBO and will be able to see the last 2 seasons of episodes there. I'm looking forward to that.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Lifestyles Of The Couch Potato

Behold the species of fauna commonly known as Couch Potato, sub genre Husband and Cat. Quite easily studied, if one was inclined to study something this common. I don't recommend it since it's akin to watching paint dry or grass grow and is quite likely to put the observer to sleep. I find it a rather poignant occupation since I am aware that we are living on borrowed time. So much of our life behind us and so little remaining to enjoy. I shall not complain since I count us as among the lucky in life to have lasted this long. Blessings counted and unfortunately promptly forgotten or taken for granted.

If we ever find a mobile home that has axles and can be moved to our property, I have been thinking I might like to get a dog. I had pretty much decided that I would be out of my mind if I did, when Hubby said something at suppertime that surprised me. He said that people find him odd because he doesn't want to own a dog. He prefers cats. I found myself wondering where this person came from because for 29 years I thought he preferred dogs.

The cat I had when we met was not pleased with him when he came to visit because he would bring his dog Buck with him. When he moved in with me his brother took Buck because my landlord didn't allow dogs. When we found someplace that allowed us to have a dog, his brother and sister-in-law were so attached to Buck that we didn't have the heart to take him away from them. Buck lived happily where he had land to roam and people there with him all the time. In our home work would have forced him to stay alone all day.

For all the years Buck was alive we visited with them weekly and once Buck was gone so were our visits. I've always thought he regretted not keeping Buck and today I found out he prefers cats. He just didn't want to appear to be abandoning Buck since the dog belonged to him in the beginning.

I can understand at the age we are now not wanting to disturb our Couch Potato status to spend the time walking the dog, picking up poop in all kinds of weather. Snow, sleet or freezing rain can't prevent a dog from having to do it's duty. Cats have litter boxes, dogs have yards, roadsides and sometimes other people's front lawns. Litter boxes are easier.

On the one hand, I'd get more exercise if I had to walk a dog. On the other hand I'd have to walk a dog in the snow, sleet and freezing rain. This doesn't appeal to me for some strange reason. I'm not overly enthusiastic about being outside in the heat either so there's that too. Besides, my cats would object. They don't even like each other, but they sure do like my Husband.