Sunday, July 24, 2016

Been There, Done That, Probably Have A Few Scars To Prove It

There are times that I'm not a nice person and this may be one of them. Every person handles life and it's many woes differently. I get that, I do, but, when all you do is whine about it, don't look to me for comfort after the first couple of times. I'm not going to encourage that because you aren't dealing with anything I haven't dealt with.

Two of my online friends have lost their beloved husbands this month due to cancer, Boo is handling things, including her beloved's family of vultures with a sense of grace in her loss. Yes, she asks the inevitable question from time to time as any one in that position does, . How do I live without him? The answer for any of us is different, of course. For me it was I don't know but I don't have a choice. Crybaby, on the other hand is not even trying to cope.

 Crybaby is financially secure. She has no medical bills since he had better insurance. When he became ill, Crybaby had to learn how to operate the riding lawn mower and the weed whacker and she had all kinds of help to take care of things. Boo had to deal with her beloved's family trying to take things away from her except, of course, the bills. Boo has that 20% of catastrophe to pay for.

Boo would periodically express her fears but she coped on her own to get through watching him die breath by breath. Crybaby couldn't do anything at all except post on Facebook that she wanted to die. Trust me, I understand that too, and because of the 20% of catastrophe that I had to pay, I almost did.

I was working 2 full time jobs to support myself and pay the bills, only, I didn't always have enough for food. I didn't tell anyone that, I just did what I could do and lost a large amount of weight in a very short time. I wound up living in one room with a refrigerator and hot plate. I had a sofa bed, a dresser and 2 end tables. The shower was in my room right outside the bathroom door. I caught a cold in April and by June I was so weak I couldn't walk without staggering. I was working 76 hours a week and fueling my body on water, coffee from the pot at work and 1 meal a day 4 days a week.

I know what cancer is. Dick had it in his lungs, prostate and his brain. Three years of doctors, hospitals and the knowledge that I was going to be a widow. I handled it. I lived as normal a life as I could being grateful for every day we had together. Even on the days when he had seizures and I had to stay away from his flailing arms. It wasn't him, it was the cancer and I wore the bruises it caused in silence. I was scared to death when he died. Didn't know what I was going to do without him.

Not once did I say I wanted to sleep and not wake up. Not once did I pick a fight with someone and then call someone else to cry and carry on as if I was suicidal. Not once did I complain about my lot in life. I handled situations where his buddies considered me to be a lonely merry widow. I cried when the one I never expected it from tried. I lost every single friend I thought I had because I was thin, decent looking and they didn't trust their husbands. They were right not to, but they should have trusted me.

It was hard, it toughened me and for a while I think it made me bitter. Lost that bitterness when I met my husband. This coming Wednesday we will have been married 25 years. Life hasn't always been easy for us, but we managed. We have what we need and I enjoy a sense of gratitude for that every day that I wake up with him beside me.

I will not ever be someone with patience for those who won't even try to cope with life as it is. The self centered woe is me kind of person that Crybaby is makes me want to be mean and tell her to grow the hell up. I won't because I'm not quite that uncaring. I'm just not speaking to her if I can avoid it and since I know she has enough support at her beck and call, I don't need to bother with her.

Depression is a real illness and I don't wish to take that away from those who suffer with it. If someone who suffers with it isn't taking advantage of all the opportunities to help themselves through medication, counseling or whatever a medical professional is prescribing, then I am not going to enable that pity party. Stop jerking people's chains with this "I want to die" crap and look at what you're doing to those who care about you. Just leave me out of it because I'm not liking what I'm seeing you do and I won't be a party to that.


  1. we all go thru some hell, some more than others, and survive it, learn from it, carry on ... some people will never be anything but shallow and needy unfortunately.

    1. I actually know Crybaby because she lives up the road from me. I've never met anyone as needy as she is. It's manipulating if you ask me.

  2. My heart is broken for Boo right now :-( Thanks for posting this. I read it this morning or would not have known until a bit ago when she posted on her Wordpress. She has shown a lot of grace and courage through this long battle that Nick fought. I know she will be ok because she's got what it takes to carry on. Right now I am just very sad for her.

    And you, though I don't know you in "real" life, I have always felt through your writing that you were a strong lady so it does not surprise me that you did what you had to do to survive after you lost your husband and I am glad to know you met someone to share your life with for so many years. I hope there are many more years together too.

    1. If anyone ever deserved a miracle it was Boo and Nick. I was tickled to death when he married her because it placed her in a position where although she lost Nick, she was legally entitled to whatever was his without his family able to do anything about it.

      I wish it could have been different for her, but it wasn't and although her heart is broken right now, she'll be alright.

      Crybaby lives up the road from me and we connected through Facebook. I'm kind but keeping my distance.

      Some of the health issues I have now were caused by that journey I took, but nothing that should shorten my life. I'll take what I can get with my husband and count it as a blessing.