Walking Away From The Edge

Although my job is very rewarding there is a downside to it that requires a management strategy. I deal with people who are marking the time remaining to them before death knocks at their door. They suffer from various stages of dementia and most have health problems that prevent them from enjoying the time they have left to them. It's stressful in ways I hadn't thought about and ways that others who don't do what I do can't begin to imagine.

I deal with the same issues that are dealt with in nursing homes, including the abandonment issue. In many ways I think it's almost harder for the at home elderly to handle the lack of attention from the family or their friends. At least in an extended care facility there are others visibly dealing with these issues so the sufferer has ample evidence that they aren't alone. I become a surrogate for their family since I am there a few times a week. The other person of importance to them is the one that delivers the Meals On Wheels. For some, we are the only people they see for months on end.

In addition to doing what I can for my clients, Hubby has needed extra attention due to his health issue. He's not working at all so other than my pay and his Social Security, we have no additional income from the business. The boys are handling it so they are the ones being paid from it and not very well I might add. There's been the worry about the bills, a few family problems and over all, I'm dealing with those and not paying attention to myself.I'm getting through the really rough spots by sheer determination, using meditation when I think of it and sometimes just reminding myself to breathe.

I'm a pitcher and I'm pouring out for everyone without refilling myself. I think the reason I haven't bottomed out is because I know I'm loved by those who matter to me. I can draw on that when I need to but the refilling of me has to come from me. Life would be so simple if I was someone who could enjoy soaking in a hot bath, or spending a day at the spa. I need to find something I'd like to do for the fun of it and I can't find anything that really interests me except dance lessons and the doctor said no because of my hip and now my knees. Yoga is acceptable. So is Tai Chi, but I can't find night classes for either here.

I checked with the local Art and Community Center. Right now their "Winter Schedule" is for writers. I'd take a class except it's poetry and I am not interested in poetry. I don't like reading it, why should I learn to write it? Art classes don't begin until Spring. Watercolor painting to be specific. I might sign up for that. I'm always interested in learning new techniques and using new products.

The painting I did for Oldest and his wife was a big hit. First thing Oldest said when he opened it was "It's not signed". It is, but the signature ended up under the matting. Since it was my first attempt at something that could be framed, I learned from it. I learned not to sign so close to the edge. A lesson I believe I need to bring into my walking around life.

Merry Happy Everything

This has to be the first year that I have zero interest in Christmas gift giving or receiving. It's not the lack of money, we never have enough money this time of the year. This year is no different in that regard and I have a lifetime of creative gift giving under my belt. I was brought up to believe it is the thought that counts when choosing a gift, not the price one pays for it. I suppose that makes me out of step with the times, but I have always been that. Why be different now?

I'm not buried in hospital or medical bills. We received financial assistance on those that amounts to 90% of what is owed. Payments are small to all parties concerned and not at all large enough to present any financial difficulty to us. Hubby, while still not released for work, is improving in leaps and bounds. Not even finding it necessary to take medications for his Crohn's Disease. I'm content with life and looking forward to the next chapter, but I simply don't care that it's Christmas.

My first thought was that I might be suffering from depression. I understand that depression interferes with ones ability to be interested in or enjoy anything. I'm not in that frame of mind, I'm interested in just about everything except giving and receiving gifts. When I really stop to think about it, I suppose it's more a matter of not being interested in the receiving part. I have what I need and can't think of anything else I want that money can buy. I also can't make people accept a gift that they don't believe they need.

I can't find anywhere a single person who says they need the gift of kindness, compassion, tolerance or respect towards others. Nor are they offering those gifts to whomever might need them to replenish their own supply so they may give more to others. It seems that giving to others that which they might wish to receive from others has been replaced with a need to own the latest expensive plaything.

There is no amount of money that can buy a gift for someone who is so full of rage that they erupt into violence. No Xbox, no Ipad, no Nook, no Smart Phone or whatever the current popular tech toy is won't make someone feel more loved if those who should be responsible for them are too busy acquiring the money to buy those things. Things can't replace the time, attention and nurturing that children need to grow into responsible, kind, compassionate adults.

I'd say stop giving the gift of greed this Christmas but no one listens to me, so have a merry whatever day you'd like. As for me, I've gone someplace other than the internet looking for my Christmas spirit. I'm sure it's in my heart somewhere.

Maybe We Could Try Learning Tolerance?

Progressive purists with "issue of the week" syndrome are upset with President Obama because at a Memorial Service for dead babies he didn't use the words "GUN CONTROL". What he actually said was "We must change". The reaction to that is pretty much in the same vein as "Yes WE can." He, I believe, isn't using a "royal we" when he says it. However, WE seem to hear he's gonna wave a magic wand and all by himself get things done. Am I oversimplifying the problem? In a society that believes they're making a difference by calling people morons when they don't agree with them? Oversimplifying? Yeah, because that's what we do. And that is part of the WE MUST CHANGE problem.

I don't believe guns belong in the home. I see little evidence that responsible gun ownership is possible. How can it be? We no longer teach respect for the person and property of others. We no longer hold any one accountable for their actions. If I had a penny for every time I've heard "My child wouldn't do that" even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, I'd be rich. We give our children everything they want and let them wait until they're adults to find out life won't do that for them. They have to contribute something in order to receive in return. That makes them unhappy. Which then turns to anger and frustration. THAT is when using a gun to fix the problem happens. I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT.

Psychiatrists advance the theory that we are too desensitized to violence. Well, yeah. In a nation of selfish, self centered people who believe they have the right to do whatever they please no matter who gets hurt, what in hell would you expect? The only way to stop these misfits from killing large groups of people simply because they can, is to stop their access to guns completely. That's not going to happen in my lifetime. Simply because it's applying a band aid to an open suppurating wound many times it's size.

We demand simple solutions to complex problems without ever accepting an iota of responsibility for the existence of said problem. We don't want to do the hard work involved in finding true solutions. Instead we want to sit on the internet and if we believe in the right to own any kind of gun we choose, we want to inform others that Liberals kill babies but want to take our guns away from us. If we believe in gun control and responsible ownership we spew hatred at a dead woman for owning 4 guns and teaching her son how to fire them. Did we know her? Of course not, we just know what her actions led to. At least, we like to think she's to blame. Can't be us, now can it?

Mob rule. Online mobs of people screaming at each other via the written word. Bullying. Using words and phrases like morons, whack jobs, right wing nut jobs, libtards, douchebags, douchecanoes, fucktards, sluts, and Cu*t. Oh yeah, we're gonna demonize gun ownership, treat them like outcasts, isolate and degrade them until they give up their guns. We have the First Amendment right to treat you as if you're something that crawled out from under an overturned rock. And in the midst of all this, POTUS said "We must change".

So. We take away gun owner's Second Amendment rights and we think this is the answer. Until someone else finds himself with a boatload of hate, enough money to buy what he needs from the corner gun dealer and another mass shooting takes place.  Then what? Oh. Yeah. "We must change".