Walking Away From The Edge

Although my job is very rewarding there is a downside to it that requires a management strategy. I deal with people who are marking the time remaining to them before death knocks at their door. They suffer from various stages of dementia and most have health problems that prevent them from enjoying the time they have left to them. It's stressful in ways I hadn't thought about and ways that others who don't do what I do can't begin to imagine.

I deal with the same issues that are dealt with in nursing homes, including the abandonment issue. In many ways I think it's almost harder for the at home elderly to handle the lack of attention from the family or their friends. At least in an extended care facility there are others visibly dealing with these issues so the sufferer has ample evidence that they aren't alone. I become a surrogate for their family since I am there a few times a week. The other person of importance to them is the one that delivers the Meals On Wheels. For some, we are the only people they see for months on end.

In addition to doing what I can for my clients, Hubby has needed extra attention due to his health issue. He's not working at all so other than my pay and his Social Security, we have no additional income from the business. The boys are handling it so they are the ones being paid from it and not very well I might add. There's been the worry about the bills, a few family problems and over all, I'm dealing with those and not paying attention to myself.I'm getting through the really rough spots by sheer determination, using meditation when I think of it and sometimes just reminding myself to breathe.

I'm a pitcher and I'm pouring out for everyone without refilling myself. I think the reason I haven't bottomed out is because I know I'm loved by those who matter to me. I can draw on that when I need to but the refilling of me has to come from me. Life would be so simple if I was someone who could enjoy soaking in a hot bath, or spending a day at the spa. I need to find something I'd like to do for the fun of it and I can't find anything that really interests me except dance lessons and the doctor said no because of my hip and now my knees. Yoga is acceptable. So is Tai Chi, but I can't find night classes for either here.

I checked with the local Art and Community Center. Right now their "Winter Schedule" is for writers. I'd take a class except it's poetry and I am not interested in poetry. I don't like reading it, why should I learn to write it? Art classes don't begin until Spring. Watercolor painting to be specific. I might sign up for that. I'm always interested in learning new techniques and using new products.

The painting I did for Oldest and his wife was a big hit. First thing Oldest said when he opened it was "It's not signed". It is, but the signature ended up under the matting. Since it was my first attempt at something that could be framed, I learned from it. I learned not to sign so close to the edge. A lesson I believe I need to bring into my walking around life.